By Darlene Donloe
Contributing Writer
To look at and listen to Bessie White, one would never know her trials and tribulations.
She tells all in her 268-page tome, “My Bess Story for God’s Glory: From Rejection to Royal Election.”
The book is described as a compelling autobiographical journey of her life with raw, honest insights into how to navigate abuse, divorce, shame, harassment, disappointment, pain and sickness, and the power of faith and forgiveness to access true healing, peace and joy.
“I am not a victim,” said White, an Oakland native now living in Huntsville, Alabama. “I want women to be inspired by my faith, transformation and triumphant story.”
White, 72, grew up in a dysfunctional family. The fourth of five sisters, she grew up with an emotionally absent mother and an alcoholic father.
As the only Black student at her school, she felt unsafe. She was often hit and called the “N” word, leaving her traumatized.
The night before her wedding, her fiancé walked out on her. A month later, she married the same fiancé — who walked out of her life again 29 years later. They divorced in 2008, leaving White, who suffers from neuropathy, without health insurance.
During her divorce, she lost her house, her car, her job, the love of her son and her oldest sister died. It was an unbelievably stressful time in her life, but White refused to let it break her.
“It was a horrible time,” she said. “But God is good. There are treasures in that trial. God has blessed me. Everything I lost, I got back.”
Today, White is an author, motivational speaker, hospital chaplain and owner of the nonprofit Bessong and Ministries Inc.
The stepmother of three grown children, who attended Oakwood College for music and education before eventually getting a degree in Bible instruction, wants to share her compelling story.
White, whose pleasant personality contrasts with her sometimes traumatic story, has a positive attitude, an uplifting spirit and a personal calling, she says, to help restore the joy in the lives of women who have gone through drama and pain.
I recently spoke to her about why she wanted to share her life story.
DD: God is throughout your book. What is your relationship with God?
BW: It’s very personal and beautiful. He is my father. My father wasn’t present. He was an alcoholic. He was abusive. I grew up in a dysfunctional environment. I didn’t know what it meant to have a father. I only had sisters, no brothers. God has shown me what it means to have a father, a heavenly father, in my life. He has been a friend and a confidante.
DD: Your husband walked out after 29 years. Not to be insensitive, but did you see it coming?
BW: I should have. The night before our wedding, at the wedding rehearsal, he said, “Why am I not happy?” I said, “Don’t you want to get married?” He just walked away. I stood there in that dark parking lot. I was so hurt. I just stood there in. A month and a half later, I married him. I married the man who walked away from me.
DD: Why?
BW: I was young and inexperienced in life. A lot of people settle. I wrote the book to let people know they don’t have to settle. I didn’t have an example in my home life to help me make decisions. After 29 years, he walked out on me again. I didn’t see it coming until three years before he walked out. I started seeing things I hadn’t seen before. He wasn’t mean to me, but he also wasn’t there for me.
DD: During this time, did you lose your faith?
BW: I never lost my faith in God. The night he left me, I was mad at God and me. I was so hurt. I was mad at everybody. It was overwhelming. I was angry with God initially. This was my decision, though. As I sorted things out, God revealed himself and his love for me.
DD: Tell me about the title of the book, “My Bess Story for God’s Glory: From Rejection to Royal Election.”
BW: I grew up being rejected. I was a Black girl in a white world. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I also didn’t have support at school. They called me nigger and hit me. I was the only Black girl there. I was always in the back. I grew up with a lot of rejection. My mom wasn’t there emotionally. Neither was my alcoholic dad. I think some of it was because of our economic situation. I didn’t feel like I fit anywhere. The rejection part of my life has been dominant.
DD: Why did you write this book?
BW: I felt compelled to share my life story. So many women have gone through what I went through and didn’t make it through the pain. Now, I talk and walk people through the pain who are going through a divorce. I give them coping skills.
DD: Did you ever have that moment of just screaming and crying?
BW: I didn’t immediately cry when he broke up with me the night of our wedding. But when I went home, I cried in the bed. I cried a lot. It cut like a knife. I couldn’t sleep. Then, I cried so much during my divorce. But I held my head up high when I was out in public. I kept going. No one knew what I was going through.
DD: How long did it take you to write the book? Was it cathartic?
BW: It took me two years to write my book. While writing it, I would have to go lie down. I was reliving the pain I had gone through. Sometimes I just had to stop. I was nervous about writing it. I didn’t know how my family would take it. I have five sisters, four of whom are living. I don’t mention names in the book. The only names I reveal are my son and best friend. Everyone else has to figure out who they are. It was hard to write at times. It would bring tears to my eyes. I would think, “Did I actually do that?” I was stupid. I wonder how I picked that man.
DD: What happened with your ex-husband?
BW: Before my ex-husband died in 2018, I forgave him, and we were able to reconcile. That’s the good part of it. I was able to reach out to him. I had forgiven him in my heart. I had moved on with my life, though. I had an Agape kind of love for him. I reached out to him as a friend. He didn’t say I’m sorry, but he said I was a good wife and a strong Christian. I was at his funeral. I was by my son’s side.
DD: Would you get married again?
BW: Yes, if God sent me someone.
DD: What did you discover — or learn — about yourself by writing this book?
BW: I was a placater, an enabler just like my mother. My parents divorced twice. I’m like my mother. I didn’t know how to set boundaries. I didn’t know how to receive the right kind of love. I was an enabler. I fight that now. I learned you are responsible to them, not for them.
DD: Everyone goes through something. How can we become proactive instead of reactive?
BW: Get your mind off of yourself. That’s how I did it. One night during my divorce, I sat up and said, “The devil is a liar.” Do something for God. That’s how you can be proactive.
DD: Tell me about your nonprofit.
BW: Bessong and Ministries Inc., which I established in 2011, helps clothe people, furnishes homes and holds holiday parties. We’ve also given away a van and a wheelchair. Our goal is to help the community.
“My Bess Story for God’s Glory: From Rejection to Royal Election” is available on BookBaby, Amazon, Brown Sugar and Spice Books.
Darlene Donloe is a freelance reporter for Wave Newspapers who covers South Los Angeles. She can be reached at ddonloe@gmail.com.
